These past two years have taken a toll on my body. It's stiff. It aches. It is significantly heavier than it ought to be and than I would like. I've done my share of whining and fretting about all of that. Yet, at the same time, I clearly wasn't ready to do anything about it. I cop to never having had a healthy body image. Never. But really, even by my standards, things have been pretty dim around here. It sounds facile -and maybe it is- but I wonder if I just figured I WAS unlovable so I might as well look that way.
The thing is, I've watched myself start to heal from other aspects of the demise of my marriage. What I've learned through that is that my path is the only one I can walk. Things happen -even become easy- when the time is right. That path has been slower and quirkier than I would have predicted and has taken longer than I could EVER have imagined. But I've learned that the next-right-thing is all I can do. It doesn't matter if I go slowly or stay longer at one point or if my recovery looks very different from someone else's. After all, I have to grow my own life, not someone else's.
And in that spirit and for whatever reason, it now seems possible that I will start exercising again. Why now and not two months ago? I really couldn't say. I figure, though, that it might make some sense to chronicle my return to fitness in general, and yoga in particular. I know it will happen. My muscle cells aren't any different from anyone else's. They will get stronger when they are repeatedly asked to work hard. My connective tissue works just like other people's; it will eventually give way when invited to and will allow for the return of some lost yoga postures. It will all take longer than I like, because I'm that kind of girl. But it will happen.
So here's the baseline. I can't breathe. I did the easiest of the easy yoga videos last night: Barbara Benagh's Power Yoga for Every Body. There is no reason for it to be called power yoga, so let's just dispense with that right away. Rather, it is slow and precise and very gentle. In the old days, I used this DVD on rest days or when recuperating from an injury. Last night I couldn't even get the breath right. My breath would literally get stuck in my chest and then I would start little non-scary gasps. I was lying on my back at the time, so exhaustion is probably not the explanation ;)
So, forget the fact that I can no longer -for now- tangle myself up in fun pretzel-y knots. I can't even breathe. But I'm starting from here, and walking my path.
Good. We all learn because everyone around moves on; even when we lose a dear one to eternity, just because we were spared the fate to exist, in the hope that we will make it one day to regain the lost ground on the soils of eternal existence. Take care.
Posted by: baron | January 17, 2009 at 10:22 AM
Congrats on going back to moving - even though it feels painful now, I think you will love coming back to a little more life! I wanted to tell you that reading about your breath made me feel a sense of anxiety. Have you considered that it may not be due to the fact that you're physically out of shape, but that you're mentally/emotionally stressed? That's actually something I use yoga for A LOT - anxiety issues, which include shortness of breath and just a sense that there's no flexibility in your breathing pattern. I thought I'd mention that b/c it might help you think about it differently, which could in turn "speed up" your return to practice.
Congratulations again!
Posted by: YogiBarrett | January 18, 2009 at 06:03 AM
Andrea, this is a courageous and touching post. I have had times like these, and sometimes I wonder if one of the root causes is being *afraid* to breathe too deeply - almost as if I am afraid to take up too much space by doing so.
Sometimes, this is the best time for me to forget about any sort of orderly breath - not even three part or complete breath. And I just return to watching my breath - just watching, without trying to judge or change. I don't always like what it's doing - but I let it happen, and let it be what it is. And sometimes, something shifts.
I'm with you in breath, sister! Maybe the deepening breath is a kind of personal reclamation.
Posted by: Sophie | January 22, 2009 at 05:21 PM
Oh, thank you! Given some of the other things I've spewed across the internet (possibly ill-considered acts, but there you go. This is me we're talking about!) this seemed like a not very courageous post. My breathing didn't frighten me. I was lying there in savasana, watching things and rolling my eyes -at least figuratively- thinking that it was pretty typical that I would have let things get this far out of hand. Yet, in spite of my self-induced limitations, I can already tell that yoga is going to be an important part of me reclaiming my center. This will work; it's just going to be slow.
We're a conspiracy ;) I love the roots of that word -to breathe together. We'll change the world yet -those of us who breathe together.
Posted by: Andrea | January 22, 2009 at 05:51 PM
I also think this a courageous thing to share. There isn't a yogi/yogini around who hasn't lost their calming breath in tough times. The gift of yoga is even noticing that we've lost it; and admitting it.
I'm rooting for you. Con-spiring. Love it.
Posted by: Bonnie | January 24, 2009 at 07:15 AM
Andrea - love your thoughts here - the breath is the most crucial asana - warming the body from the inside out. We can't live unless we breathe. So as you read this take a long luxurious exhilarating breath! (I hope that worked! ;-) )
Posted by: cmiyachi | February 08, 2009 at 05:40 PM
Aharon! You did such a gorgeous job (not that I was in any doubt). Thank you so much for asnikg me to be your stylist! It was so much fun! One day I want to do a shoot with you and we'll have an unlimited budget and we can actually shoot in Africa (or Scotland or France!).xoxox, Lar
Posted by: Harshal | July 10, 2012 at 02:30 AM